Do you ever wonder whether sex gets better as you grow older? Are you ever afraid that at some point your body will fail you and you’ll have to give up on sex altogether?
Half a year ago or so, I reached that dreaded milestone that are the 40’s. I haven’t turned into a hag, but I have to admit I don’t like most of the changes I see on my body -back pains, wrinkles and sunspots, plus a generalised impatience whenever I am far away from bed after midnight. Nonetheless, there is one upside to growing older: sex gets better.
Now, it’s true that I cannot judge how my sex life would have evolved had I not been in a happy, long-term relationship with a partner who attaches a lot of importance to sex as a concept and as an act. Things being as they are, though, I find myself gaining more with experience than what I lose in body vigour. So far that is…
I see you youngsters smirking. You think you that after reaching your physical prime, it all starts going downhill for sex, don’t you? Let me explain why I think reality is more nuanced.
Sexy is an attitude!
1. You know your body better
When I was young, I used to push my body to its limits, generally without even realizing it. Whether this meant sleeping too little, drinking too much, staying in the sun too often and not eating often enough, my constitution could -pretty much- take it.
Sure, it was not ideal but everything was working, so why bother adjusting and accommodating my physical needs and my natural rhythm? I willed my body to follow my whims and most of the time it did.
As I grow older though, I become more attuned to what my body needs. It’s because I am getting wiser. Ok, also my body starts failing me if I stress it too much.
I know it’s hardly rocket science but it took me decades to realize, for instance, that I feel genuinely better when I drink no more than two glasses of wine. That I work more effectively when I take short breaks every hour and that my back aches less when I go for regular, daily walks.
I also found out that sandy beaches make my mucus itch each and every time. I told you I am getting wiser, didn’t I?
How does this life experience translate into better sex?
Well, to start with, I know now that I am a morning type -yes, even in sex. I’ve disappointed Xander plenty of nights falling asleep next to him before he manages to even utter the word sex.
To my defence, I usually make it up to him the morning after when it’s his turn to be groggy and sleepy -Xander is unfortunately not a morning type. Not that this mismatch has ever stopped us having sex mind you.
When I drink more than 3 glasses of wine, my orgasms feel shallow and beyond 4 glasses, climaxing is completely out of the question for me. By now, I know the angles of penetration that work for me and the positions that are sexy but fail to excite me physically.
All in all, I feel more and more at ease in and in control of my body and this means sex gets better in every conceivable way. The best thing? I keep discovering things about my body and it’s fascinating.
Lately, for instance, I found out that having sex on all fours stimulates my g-region -if it’s gentle, rhythmical and lasts for at least ten minutes. Is that cool or what? I know Xander has to work more, but that’s what a long-term partner is there for, right?
2. You know your partner better
The more you stay with your partner and the more sex you have together, the more you get attuned to each other’s needs. More than ever, I can predict what Xander likes and what will not work for him.
Getting to know each other is obviously a process. There is no point, after which you can pat yourself on the back and say: Mission accomplished, it took me some years, but now I know my partner inside out. We all change with time and so does your partner and their sexuality.
So, you’ll never know everything about your partner and thank God, coming to think of it, because how boring would that be? With time and practice, though, sex gets better and more meaningful in every sense.
I know now for instance that certain moves and positions will make Xander come, so I can avoid them if I know he wants to last longer -or apply them if dinner is getting cold!
I know which parts to pull and push to my heart’s content, without needing to worry about hurting him and he knows in return to touch my nipples only when I approach climax and to never, ever pull my hair to be sexy -it seriously hurts!
Contrary to common belief that sex with the same partner becomes tiring after a while, we find that sex gets better with time.
The more you know your partner, the more it’s clear that sex gets better with time
3. You don’t feel like you have to prove anything to anyone
When you are young or you’ve just started a fresh relationship, you want to impress your partner more than anything. At least, I know I did. I was so in love with Xander, everything about me and my body had to be perfect -according to my standards, that is.
I was terribly self-conscious about my appearance, my perfume, the jokes I cracked, you name it! Not only I needed to impress Xander, but I needed him to prove to me just how much he liked me too, creating a double burden which I am sure he experienced the other way around too.
All these worries are normal and even banal among newly found lovers. But they also act counterproductively when it comes to sex, keeping you back from exploring your full potential.
In this sense, years and experiences and time together free you from insecurities and unleash a raw kind of sexual energy. Being pregnant and giving birth, for instance, have paradoxically been one of the most sexually liberating experiences I had.
I, who throughout my whole adult life has despised the shadow of any extra centimetre around my waist, have never felt better in my skin than the period when I had the waist circumference of an overgrown watermelon. More on the raw sexual energy released by pregnancy and child-bearing in Clover Stroud’s amazingly frank book, My Wild and Sleepless Nights.
Only when you feel comfortable around each other and with your own body, are you truly ready to start exploring sexual pleasure in its fullest.
4. You become more sexually liberated
As a young adult, I was still terribly ashamed of all things overtly sexual.
Even long after reaching sexual maturity, I still had strong reactions to naked bodies, porn, as well as the notion of sex being explicitly mentioned outside the romantic framing of love. I would never put on leggings with a short t-shirt on because “my bum would show” and I was shocked when a co-student of mine appeared on the beach topless.
This is not to say that I wasn’t having sex at the time and enjoying it. I was a just immensly prude.
Obviously, the very existence of this blog goes to prove that a lot has changed since. The more you age, the more sexually liberated you get and that’s when the fun starts.
Whether it entails taking sexy pictures with your partner, trying new sex toys or visiting swingers clubs, sexual liberation opens up new horizons of pleasure.
That said, it’s endearing to see our teenage daughters becoming squeamish as their body changes and closing their eyes in horror whenever Xander and I kiss on the mouth in front of them.
As for swimming topless, I haven’t done it since they were toddlers and I am sure lightning would strike me if I would attempt to do it when we are together!
Pregnancy can be a strangely liberating experience
5. You trust your relationship more
The longer you stay together, the more secure you become in your relationship. This, in turn, allows you to be more adventurous.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that you become overly sure of each other or too sloppy around each other. You should never take your partner for granted and neglect them or yourself.
Fact is though that certain things you can only do once you trust each other entirely.
Take swinging for instance. Xander and I have toyed with the idea of voyeurism and swinging from the very beginning of our relationship. However, we only managed to experiment with the Lifestyle, once we were both convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that swinging was something we wanted to do together to enjoy the game between us, and not because we were needy of the actual contact with any other person.
Trusting your partner and your relationship essentially allows you to play more.
Whether we are talking of swinging, hotwifing, a threesome or just simply watching porn together, you cannot do anything fun if you are worrying your partner might be doing this because they are interested in another person.
6. You go for quality, rather than quantity
When we are young, most of us want to impress. We have some vague ideas of what wild hot sex is supposed to look like and we want to do it all.
We want to try all positions, we want to scream and bang on furniture and most of all, no matter what, we want to please our sex partner, especially if it happens to be the person we love too.
All we want is to be memorable. We want to give them the best oral sex ever, to last the longest and be the best lover they have ever had. We end up having sex to please our partners rather than ourselves.
The weird thing is, though, that real pleasure is a two-way street.
You cannot experience the real depths of sexual pleasure if you are only thinking of yourself and neglecting your partner. Conversely, sexual play cannot flourish if you don’t devote time and energy to yourself.
It takes maturity to learn to receive pleasure.
Men are hardwired to please women, to be sex machines, to have erections on command, and to last for as long as they are required. Under these terms, it’s only natural that sex starts feeling more like a performance and less like a journey of discovery.
Women, on the other side, are equally brainwashed. We need to have the perfect body, to please men, to be active in bed, to be mums but at the same time not bore our partners.
It’s difficult to leave all prejudice behind, but it does get easier with time.
To an extent it’s an inevitability imposed by time. Our bodies mature and simply don’t perform as actively as they used to. That’s when you start concentrating not on what you can do, but on what you actually want to do. On what feels good, even if it’s nothing to write home about.
Recently Xander and I were having sex when I asked him:
-Would you mind taking it slower baby?
-Unless it bores you and you prefer it harder.
-No, no… I prefer it slower… I am just always worried I am boring you!
7. You have more free time to devote to sex
One of the perks of growing older is that you find yourself again with more time and energy for sex and sexual experimentation.
It’s difficult to have all the good sex you might be dreaming of when you have not slept for nights in a row when you’re teaching your newborn the very concept of night and day or when you get regular nightly visits by frightened toddlers. Parenting can be terrible for your sex life!
It’s not only young kids who suck out the sexual energy out of you. Professional stress also takes up a large part of your time and thoughts and this to the detriment of your total energy.
The only times I’ve known Xander not to want sex were the -luckily very few- times he was overly stressed with the job.
With age, usually, comes professional settlement and this -along with offspring getting older- means that you have more time again to devote to each other and to all the amazing sex you can have together. It’s not by chance that most swingers are above forty!
Have I convinced you yet? We’d love to hear from you! How do you experience sex as you are ageing? Do you think sex gets better in your relationship as you grow older? Drop us a line!
Photo credit: Pixabay, Pexels