As podcasters who talk often about the hotwifing lifestyle, we receive many questions from our listeners about the ins and outs of hotwifing. It’s a funny phenomenon: We often receive the same or similar questions from multiple people all around the same time. And the past few weeks have been dominated by a central theme: How much involvement should a stag or cuckold husband have in all of this?
Now of course, just like anything else in the lifestyle, our answer always ends with, “There are many ways to live this lifestyle, and you need to decide between the two of you what makes the most sense.” While I believe that advice whole-heartedly, it also doesn’t answer the true question being asked. I know that the reason this question keeps popping up over and over again is that the male half of the couple doesn’t want to overstep and talk his way out of his wife or girlfriend having an amazing time. That doesn’t work for anyone, because at the end of the day, his partner’s play means his satisfaction as well. These men want to know how involved they can be before the average bull or single male gets turned off and removes himself from the situation. Therefore, I thought it would be prudent to share some of my thoughts on this subject, as well as the thoughts of a self-proclaimed bull.
First I will say this: Far too often, we hear from single men who tell us that couples treat them like walking sex dolls. Even during digital communication, it’s all business. “How large is your cock?” “How long can you go for?” “Do you have a six pack?” I asked a long-time single gentleman about this recently, who has decided to go by Mark for the purposes of this article. I asked Mark, “How do you feel when a couple treats you like a sex toy? Is it ever hot for you, knowing they want you just for sex? Or is it demeaning?” Mark’s response: “I’m always flattered when a couple sees my pictures or sees me at an event and finds me physically appealing. But I don’t appreciate being their piece of meat. Some guys are really into that, and that’s great for them. For me, I feel like I deserve as much respect as I provide to the couple, and especially to the female half of the couple.”
He makes an interesting point. If a single guy reaches out to us and says something like, “How many orgasms can the lady have?” I am immediately turned off. And Brian is immediately pissed. It’s not only disrespectful, but it makes it obvious that the guy sees this as a transaction of sex only. As a social swinger, and someone that loves to connect on a human level with play partners, this doesn’t work for me. Why, then, do couples assume they can speak this way to single guys?
Another potential boundary I feel must be discussed on this topic is the way in which the stag or cuckold husband provides instruction for the single guy. We are firm believers that outlining your rules and boundaries upfront is a good best practice. However, we’ve heard from MANY single guys that this communication becomes excessive and oversteps the boundaries of what the single guy feels comfortable with as well. I’ll provide an example: Recently, a single gentleman fairly new to the lifestyle reached out to us on Instagram. He shared the story of back-to-back experiences where the husband of a couple wanted to dictate EVERYTHING that happened between the single guy and the wife. The first husband even went so far as to provide an “instructional email” about how the night would go. “First, you will kiss her neck. Then you will slowly undress her, starting with her top.” Etc. etc. The single guy’s question was simple, “Is this normal? Because if it is, I’m not sure I really want to go down this road. It made me feel really uncomfortable.”
Husbands/boyfriends, if you take nothing else away from this article, take this away: You aren’t a porn director! You don’t get to call shots on every single element of a sexual situation! It is both creepy and presumptuous of you to do so! If you want your wife to be your real-life porn performer, make a porn together instead and outline to guys playing with her that this is for the purposes of you directing them together. To make a single guy feel as though he needs to act out your every fantasy down to the second is insanity, in my personal opinion. Are there respectful ways to for both a husband and wife to voice what it is they would like to have happen with the single guy? Of course! But planning it every movement isn’t a realistic expectation.
The last item for you stag/cuckold husbands to consider comes from Mark. I asked him if there is anything husbands or boyfriends do that will turn him off quicker than anything else, and his answer was as follows: “I really don’t like when husbands go against the negotiated boundaries. For instance, if we decide ahead of time that he is going to watch but not join in, I appreciate that being how the evening plays out. To me, this is more about respect than anything else, as I don’t mind at all playing in threesome scenarios. But if I am provided a hard and fast rule before a play session, you damn well better believe I am sticking to it!”
I thought there was a lot of validity to this concept, and it wasn’t one I would have considered without speaking with Mark. He’s absolutely right, when boundaries are placed during a play interaction, being mentally prepared for things outside of those boundaries can be limited. And it certainly isn’t fair to the single guy to change the rules of the game on the fly. I often find that couples assume single guys are going to be down for anything, and they therefore aren’t concerned about throwing curve balls. Or worse yet, couples behave as though the single guy should simply be happy to get an invitation to the pants-off party, so anything that happens should be ok with the single guy. Yeah, no.
So we’ve explained a lot of what husbands or boyfriends in the hotwife lifestyle should not do, but very little of what they should do in order to both have a voice and say in the scenario yet remain respectful of the single guy. A few things to consider: There is nothing wrong with a hotwife husband vetting single guys, especially when you are new to the lifestyle. This way, the hotwife husband can weed out guys that don’t align with what it both partners want and need in order for them to feel comfortable. Many couples steer away from the man doing the vetting, because they don’t want single guys to view them as these over-protective gatekeepers. I think there is a way to do it that is respectful and thoughtful (reach out if you’d like tips on this, we do a LOT of vetting).
Another role in which I feel is totally appropriate for a hotwife husband/partner is the role of protector. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with asking for personal information before your partner is alone with a virtual stranger. We have, on several occasions, had single guys bow out because Brian has asked for their address and phone number. To us, it’s a red flag, or at least an unnecessary risk, if a guy isn’t willing to share this information. Solid, thoughtful single men will be empathetic enough to understand the why behind obtaining such info. Many hotwife couples also feel most comfortable with their partners only playing at their home, rather than the lady playing at someone else’s place. Again, I do not see this as an overstep. Do everything you can to protect and eliminate risk, and don’t apologize for it.
Finally, my favorite role that Brian plays as my stag is that of teammate. Brian does a great job of reading every situation, and every energy exchange. If we are sitting down with a new single guy, he can tell in the first 10 minutes if I see potential for play. If it’s an obvious “no,” Brian is the one who will respectfully cut things short or make it obvious that there’s no interest. He knows me well enough to know that sometimes I need that assist, and he is happy to play that role for me. I think it’s so important to remember that as a hotwife and hotwife partner, you are always on the same team. Deviating from that formula in order to please others is a recipe for disaster.
For all you hotwife couples out there, as well as anyone interested in entering that part of the lifestyle, I hope this article has provided a different insight on the ways in which stags and cuckolds can interact effectively with single men in the lifestyle. It’s so important to show a mutual respect and to set healthy boundaries that ALL parties adhere to. For further information or to ask a question, email me at [email protected]. And don’t forget to tune in to our naughty hotwife podcast, Front Porch Swingers, available at https://frontporchswingers.com!